Struggling Parent: We are considering leaving our local church because our church has not reached out to offer any help or support for our struggling family. We have a child that has some special needs and frequent sickness. This requires a lot of care from us and it is exhausting. No one offers to help us with house cleaning, making meals, or even to watch our child so we can have a night out occasionally. Is it normal that our church has not reached out to find out how they can help us?
Israel Wayne: I actually receive this question frequently. It is common for people to feel hurt and abandoned when they have needs and no one in the church reaches out to them to try to meet the needs (or at least show concern). Leaving church is not something to be taken lightly. Like it or not, we are all super busy. We all have more on our plate than we can deal with. Almost no one has extra capacity beyond what they are already trying to balance. So, it’s pretty much out of sight, out of mind. I understand that’s probably not ideal, but it is a sad reality. It’s not that Christians are self-absorbed or uncaring, it’s just that they are overloaded.
I’m not the pastor in our church, but I sometimes read announcements and take prayer requests. One brother expressed how he just moved into a house and it needed a lot of small repairs and clean up. He mentioned how his dad has been helping him the best he can (but his dad has cancer and is understandably very limited in terms of energy). He didn’t ask for help; it was just him saying he was thankful to have a place to live. But I said, “If you need help with the house, you need to directly contact a deacon and see if anyone is available to help you.” He said he might do that. I told the congregation that mind-reading is not a spiritual gift. We are Christians, not psychics. If you don’t tell us, very directly, exactly what your need is, and exactly how we can help, we probably won’t. That may seem unreasonable, but it’s just fact.
Most Christians want to help, but they need it made very plain and tangible for them. Like, “I am having surgery on October 27, and we would really appreciate it if someone could arrange a meal train for that whole next week.” That is the kind of request that will likely be answered.
Regarding switching to another church, there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with finding a different church, but leaving one church because you are hurt because no one is noticing your needs isn’t a good reason. You should look for a church that has solid Bible teaching and where you feel that you as a family can best fit in and even serve as able (I realize your capacity is severely limited).
If all things are equal theologically, and another church is a better fit for your family it’s fine to move to a new church, but make sure you don’t leave your church with any hard feeling. Maybe consider writing a letter to your current church to explain why you are leaving (practical reasons) and assure them of your love and appreciation for them. Often, people just leave and never tell anyone why. Then, if no one calls them to find out why they left, they are even more offended. That’s not ideal. Churches aren’t perfect. They are full of people, so they will never be perfect. Christians aren’t perfect, they are just people.
Sometimes, you find a church that is above average in the hospitality department, but that is usually because there is one exceptional person who attends there who has a high level of perception and just jumps in and organizes everyone else by telling them what they need to do. An entire church can get a reputation for being a serving church, but it’s often the result of one special individual who is just wired differently than everyone else. Everyone around him or her is willing to help, but just doesn’t notice, doesn’t have the skill set, or doesn’t know what to do. When they get mobilized by the “doer” in the church, it’s a beautiful thing to watch. Most churches don’t have that. They are just a bunch of people who are maxed out and barely have time to think about anything beyond the million fires they are all individually trying to put out. It takes a lot of effort to mobilize a group to help. Someone needs to be really motivated to coordinate it and make it happen. Last fall we organized a workday for a lady in our church who needed a lot of house repairs. It took about two months of prep to schedule one workday that about 10 people showed up for. It was a big deal to make it happen.
So, I’m giving a long answer here, but the bottom line is that people care, but they are very limited in their capacity. If you need help, you need to make it super clear and plain, and very practical.
A similar, but different aspect of this dynamic:
Sometimes a younger person approaches an older person in the church and asks, “Would you be willing to mentor me?”
That is almost always met with a flat out no, or a run-around answer that means no. No one feels like they have time or capacity for that. Everyone is already maxed out and no one knows what that means. And it sounds scary. And the situation sounds like it could be a high-needs long-term demand, which again, no one has time for.
But if the young person asks an older person, “I’m thinking about going to Bible college, or a secular state college, and I’m having a hard time making a decision. Do you have any general thoughts that might help me think that through?” That question will likely be answered. That same young person could come back in a week and ask, “I’m wondering about taking out student loans. Do you know anything about that?” Older people like to share their knowledge and wisdom with younger people, but it must be set up right. No one wants to give anyone a blank check, because they don’t know what that looks like. But that younger person could likely find an older person to mentor them if they just ask one question at a time.
People want to help, but in short, manageable, bite-size segments they can afford. They need to know exactly what needs to be done and how they can help. Biblically, the deacons in the church are the ones who are supposed to help set up helping those needs, so ideally, they would be the ones to talk to.
I hope this helps give some insight. If you do end up switching churches, please do so prayerfully, research their doctrine and teaching, and please let your current church know you love them but are just looking for a more practical situation for your family and I’m sure they will understand (and you can still be glad when you see all of them at the grocery store).
Israel Wayne is an author and conference speaker, and the Founder and Director of Family Renewal. He is Site Editor for www.ChristianWorldview.net. Israel is author of the books, Foundations Truths: A Modern Catechism, Questions God Asks and Questions Jesus Asks.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
