Raising boys into responsible young men can be one of the great challenges and privileges of motherhood. As sons grow older, mothers and sons often have to learn how to change the way they relate to each other. Christian mothers must focus on giving boys responsibility while still maintaining appropriate authority and boundaries.
Connecting With a Son Through His Interests
Sometimes mothers can connect with their daughters in an easygoing way because they may have more similar pastimes and hobbies. Connecting with sons can sometimes be more challenging. One of the best ways to build that connection, however, is to enter into the things your son enjoys, even when those things are not naturally your own interests.
When our boys were younger, fishing became one example of this. One of our sons loved fishing, even though nobody in our family fishes except Israel’s grandfather. I (Brook) did not touch worms and did not even have a fishing license, but I would pack up the little ones, take a snack, and bring them down to the river. It was often cold, so the younger children and I would often stay in the car while I let my son fish. That built a connection that was really, really sweet.
Another time, we had a room that needed all the walls taken out. Our oldest was 15, and we discovered something about how beneficial a demolition project can be for a son. It gave us an opportunity to connect and enjoy something together.
Give a Growing Son Real Responsibility
One of the most beneficial things we have learned is that when a son gets to be 12 or 13 or so, he really needs to begin taking on a man’s responsibility. Young men as teens often begin to react to a mother’s micromanaging.
That can be challenging for a mother. It is easy to think, “Here’s my list. Here’s my desires for your life. You will fulfill all the things I’ve told you to do.” But there comes a point when a mother needs to back off doling out each and every instruction and put the weight of responsibility into her son’s hands.
Consider yard work or a small building project. Let him, with guidance as needed, figure out how to buy the project materials, how to get from point A to point B, and how to maximize the opportunity. If the family is going to rent canoes, for example, let him take the time to figure out how to logistically make that happen.
Of course, responsibility does not mean a son can simply ignore what needs to be done. Sometimes the answer still has to be, “No, you can’t just ignore the lawn. You have to actually do it.” But there is a difference between exercising authority and micromanaging every detail.
It is exciting to watch older sons grow into these responsibilities. Planning camping trips and canoe trips, figuring out cooking, working full-time, and doing things they were taught to do on their own are all signs of growing maturity.
Respect His Growing Manhood
Nurturing a son also means showing respect for his growing manhood in a way that is different from how we would treat our girls. We need to be able to see in him the growing man who needs to take over things.
Ecclesiastes 3:3 reminds us that there is “a time to destroy and a time to build up.” Learning to talk with sons about when to destroy and when to build up can be very helpful as they learn to use their strength and responsibility wisely.
Teach a Son About His Proper Domain
One of the most helpful conversations I (Israel) remember having with my mother happened when I was about 13. She explained that I was becoming a man and that there was a God-given call inside me for dominion. God had hardwired me for that. He had wired me to take dominion over the earth and subdue it (see Genesis 1:26-28).
But she also explained that the struggle was that I did not yet understand proper jurisdiction or the limits of my dominion. She asked, “What is your domain?”
The principle was simple: you take dominion over your domain. My bedroom, my schoolwork, and the lawn were things that were my responsibilities. They were my domain. The problem was that the things that were clearly my domain were not being handled responsibly, while I was trying to take control over things that were not my domain.
My mother explained that she was not my domain, and my sisters were not my domain. Someday God would give me my own house, possibly my own business, and my own children, and I would have responsibilities of my own.
I was becoming every day the person I was going to be. Faithfulness in little things prepares a person for stewardship over greater things (see Luke 16:10). That was a wise way for my mother to respect me as a man and who I was becoming while still maintaining proper boundaries as a mother.
Fathers Need to Support the Mother’s Authority
Teenagers can become disrespectful and resist the things their mother asks them to do. In that situation, a father needs to step in and provide a firewall, if you will, to protect his wife from a son trying to rule over her. Where there is a dad in the home and a fully functioning family, it is the father’s responsibility to make sure that the mother is able to be in a position of authority and that she has backup with her husband.
In a single-parent situation, where that backup is not present, a mother raising needs to understand her own boundaries and not allow her sons to cross them. Raising boys with proper love and discipline is difficult in Christian parenting, but it is important.
Don’t Get Trapped in Endless Arguments
For boys around 13 to 15, and sometimes older, there is a tendency for a mom to get drawn into arguments with her son. He is trying to find his place and may be trying to say, “Look, I’m a young man. I don’t want to be told every little thing anymore.” Young men can thrive on an argumentative attitude.
Sometimes a mother can simply say, “I need more time to think about that. I’ve heard what you’ve had to say. Let me get back with you.” Giving the conversation time to cool down can make a tremendous difference. Often the next day, the issue is not even a big deal.
Give Biblical Reasons, Not Just Commands
It is also important to provide young people with the reasons why we do things. It is easy for a mom to say, “You’re going to do this because I said so.” We want to pull rank and say, “You are going to do this because I said so!”
But especially with older teens, we want to provide a biblical foundation. We can explain why our family has chosen something and why a particular standard matters. Sometimes that also means giving a son a good book on the subject so he can investigate the issue more deeply.
Young Men Need Work and Responsibility
Finally, we think a tired young man is a much happier young man. Scripture speaks about the value of bearing the yoke in youth (see Lamentations 3:27). It is good for a young man to have a little weight in his hands, to have responsibility, and to have labor.
Giving boys responsibility can be difficult in suburban and urban environments where there is not as much natural opportunity for physical labor. But it is good for a young man to work. If there is not enough to do at home, finding service projects and other opportunities at church or in the community can be very helpful.
Mothers and Sons (Conclusion)
As Christian mothers, parenting teenage boys with respect as they are growing into men is very important. You still need to maintain proper authority. You can’t let your teen treat you as a sibling and disrespect you. You are still the mother and the Biblical command to “honor your mother,” (see Exodus 20:12) is from God, it’s not just your preference. So, there still need to be boundaries in the relationship, but young men thrive on honest praise from their mothers and when you build them up and recognize positive attributes in them, this inspires them to want to please you and to be more helpful.
